BOFH: Put out half a grand and we’ll protect you from AI

BOFH: Put out half a grand and we'll protect you from AI

Episode 12 “We’re just wondering how we might protect ourselves from AI?” asks the Chief.

“Protect us?” I ask in response. “Weren’t you the one who encouraged us to buy vans of stuff to improve the lives of our staff?”

“The board has done that, yes, but we don’t want any negative effects. One of the board members has asked us to be sure there are no health and safety implications.”

“One on the board who recommended getting AI in the first place?”

“I don’t know. But he just wants us to make sure there are no fish hooks.”

“So they want to be able to buy a gas can but they don’t want it to be flammable?”

“I “

“What do they want us to do?” asks the PFY.

“Well, as far as I know they want to make sure we can guarantee privacy”

“From a system that now knows their name, date of birth, employment record, home address, phone number, search history, salary, and hours of attendance?”

“I do.”

“Sure, perfectly doable.”

“They also want to be sure that we can assure our employees that the information they collect is for their benefit and not their detriment.”

“Oh, like the AI ​​has to compare their salary and presence hours, then maybe factor in the amount of presence time they spend on the phone with their mates and find a top 50 employee to fire, you mean that kind of what?”

“Oh yes.”

“Well, don’t worry because it’s not AI. It’s just simple math that anyone can do. The PFY and I have been doing this with an Excel macro for years. You’re number 37.”


“Oh, 37 is a good thing, according to the AI ​​system implemented by the HR department. When viewed longitudinally, the company’s redundancy trend appears to be following a savings path of between five and ten percent in a given purge.They also tend to favor about three low-pay layoffs for every medium-pay layoff and three medium-pay layoffs for every high-pay layoff unless there’s a crisis, when it’s more like 1 :1 low/medium and again 3:1 medium height.”

“And you’re number 37, medium, so in the scheme of things relatively safe,” adds the PFY.

“Well, that’s reassuring,” the Chief mutters dubiously.

“Unless we have a recession.”

“Aren’t we heading for a recession?!” she gasps.

“We could be.”

“What does it mean?”

“In a recession it has been the company’s policy to freeze employment and delve into business areas that may need to be cut. According to the operational details of the AI, the consolidation of business units and the reduction of middle management positions it’s the recommended way to reduce cash flow because middle managers don’t have hard-to-acquire skills and are therefore easier to replace after a recession.”

“So where does that place me?”

“Top 50 you mean?”


“Uuuhmmmmm, about 7. AI has a fuzzy logic gradient system for ‘business value’ which is a hybrid view of your total value to the business, DIVIDED by the amount of money the business pays for you and then compared to any unique qualities you might bring to your position.”


“You have the commercial value of a corduroy ashtray,” says the PFY.

“We have no ashtrays.”

“Not anymore, no.”

“Is corduroy not flammable?”

“It’s, yes, that it asserts your business as that of a product that we no longer need, that wouldn’t function properly if we needed it,” the PFY explains.

“A chocolate fireplace, if you will,” I add.

“But we’re probably not going into a recession,” says the Boss.

“And that’s probably not an iceberg.”


“Oh, I thought we were sharing famous last words,” I say.

“Is there a way to improve the value of my business?” asks the Chief.

“You mean play with the system?” I ask, quietly. “The AI ​​is coded to negatively evaluate people seen playing the system.”

“I’m not playing with the system. I just want to know how I can improve the value of my business.”

“Do you have a secret doctorate?” asks the PFY. “There is a clear bias towards higher education.”


“Are you willing to take a pay cut to improve the value of your business?” asks the PFY.

“How much?”

“For you >tappity< >tap<, 100 percent. And it's still risky."

“Which leaves only one option,” I say. “And it’s expensive.”

“How much does it cost.”

“500 pounds.”

“£500! For what?!”

“For me and the PFY to squander on lager and fried food.”

“No, I mean what do I get for my £500?”

“Job security and AI protection,” I say.

“As?” asks the Chief.

“That’s the £500 question, isn’t it?”

Half an hour and £500 later

“Get a first aid certificate,” I whisper to the Chief.


“Shh,” I say, looking around. “The number of people with a first aid certificate on the farm is so low that the AI ​​will treat you as a favorite offspring. You will, for all intents and purposes, be untouchable.”

“I thank you.”

“Don’t thank us. Thanks AI.”

TO THE. Improving useless lives.

#BOFH #Put #grand #protect

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